Since you left, there have been many times where I believed i would not make it. The first night was rough, I begged my mom to take me to the hospital because I was so scared i would hurt myself and leave my mom with a dead son. There were a lot of nights where i slept on my parent’s floor, holding myself as tight as possible just to feel something. I’ve had to call the suicide hotline three times in the past two months. I lost 15 pounds in the first two weeks. My mom had to bathe me because i couldn’t bare to take care of myself. I thought i wouldn’t make it.
But since you left, there have also been many moments of joy. I’ve reconnected with a lot of old friends, reached out the people i did wrong, called my family a lot, and started theater back up again. Ive grown close to my dance teacher and my auntie came to visit me for a week. I have welcomed so many people back into my life, and i am grateful. I’ve spent many nights alone, but i have spent almost every single day with someone i love. I’ve picked up some old hobbies (and new ones!). I’m writing again, dancing to my hearts content, playing the guitar, and i’ve also picked up coding. I am grateful.
Since you left, I have rebuilt myself. The night i knew you were gonna break up with me, I relapsed. I have not touched a blade since then. The last time i had a full conversation with you, I was high. I haven’t touched weed since then. I went to two parrties and didn’t even try anybody’s drinks, and i stayed sober and helped all my friends get home safe. When the world feels like it’s falling down, I do not isolate. I call someone. I’ve done a lot of therapy since then and created new safety plans. I’m driving almost everywhere now. I turn sixteen in four days. I am two months clean off of EVERYTHING in six days. I think you would be proud.
There are still times where i feel like i can’t live without you. There are times the grief is so big that it physically hurts, there are times i go days without taking care of myself, there are times where my friends have to talk me out of contacting you. I’ve stopped listening to music because everything seems to remind me of you. The hardest part has been not knowing what you’re doing. I’ve grasped at whatever i could, just to see a glimpse in your new life. But I’ve survived it. I look back on it fondly, and i keep moving. I haven’t let you go, but i know i can survive without you. I don’t want to, but i will. I hope life is treating you well.
