6/15/2026

Life is so beautiful right now. Last night i called the suicide hotline, thinking i’d be dead or relapsed or begging for someone to love me by the morning. The lady who picked up was kind, though definitely not certified to be working in mental health. My mom laid beside me and hugged me close, the auntie laid on top of me to give me the pressure i needed and to ground me, and my cousin sat at the end of my bed, just because i needed someone. I ended up laughing a lot that night, even though it was the darkest night i’ve had in a while. I laughed on the telephone with the lady, i laughed with my aunt and cousin. Its funny how able i am to feel joy during the darkest times. The human brain is funny.

I think i’ve been searching for warmth for a very long time. Anything remotely closer to pulling me away from the cold nights that overtook my preteen years. Today i opened my eyes, and I saw all the warmth around me. I saw all the warmth coming from my mouth and my chest, and radiating around the people i love. I’ve contacted two of my old middle school friends in the past month. They’ve both welcomed me back into their warmth. I contacted an old lover and best friend of mine, and I haven't felt that much joy in a while. I think the weight of my sadness has blinded me for a really long time. I think i’m finally waking up to the bright world around me.

I turn sixteen in four days. I have grown so much, and i still feel so small. Part of me still feels like the 12 year old lost in the depths of crisis, begging for help, and maybe part of me is him, but as i look back at my past, i’ve seen how far i’ve made it. i never could see myself getting past 13, and here i am, almost 16 and two months clean. i’m gonna live another day.